Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wilder Shaw 9/8/10 "Performance Review"
Hey, John. You’re probably wondering why it was that I called you in here today. I actually just wanted to give you some formal constructive criticism about your job performance. No, no, it’s nothing to serious. Just some heavily needed feedback. Now John I feel like when you took this job, perhaps you didn’t quite understand what it entailed. You seem to be… misunderstanding. Ugh, gosh, this is hard, where do I begin? John, you’re just being too… nice. All the time. You’re on this crew to be… well, to be a pirate, John. All that raping, and pillaging. You’ve got to do it, John, it comes with the position. I mean, have you ever even seen a pirate? They don’t act like you. The other day I saw you poke the tip of a little girl’s nose and say “boop”. You simple CANNOT do that. And the way you speak? It’s too eloquent. You have to act dumb, you can’t reference Philip Slater and Jean-Paul Sartre in your daily speech. You’re supposed to be a rugged man of the sea! All you think about is vengeance! And honor! And money… stealing, you can’t keep giving lollipops out to those who answer your trivia questions about The Ed Sullivan Show. And I want you to start carrying a bird on your shoulder, and get rid of that teddy bear you have tied there instead. And, while we’re on the subject, those SpongeBob footie pajamas are not going to do either. Now I’m sorry if I seem like I’m ranting John, but I really hope to see a change in you somehow. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire you. Or feed you to the Kraken. Thanks a lot John. See you tomorrow.
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Notes from Roy:
ReplyDeleteVery amusing. You get good comedy out of standing the performance review on its head, and out of the "nice" pirate contrast. The reluctant employer is a good voice with a good problem. I also like the behavioral details you bring up - Ed Sullivan, Sartre, the teddy bear on the shoulder.
Another funny aspect is the attempt to verbalize what the employee should be: "rugged man of the sea." "Vengeance, honor, money, stealing." Good idea to use a kind of mythic context to view a contemporary format.
Roy
-The blending of a modern idea like a performance review with an old one like pirates is the kind of anachronism that is ripe for comedy. It’s a very funny idea. And the holding back that he is a pirate to half way through is good timing. Just long enough for us to take him seriously. A question: What happens if hold the review that he is a pirate for even longer? Or not mention it all, just let us figure it out. That’s not way you have to go, just something to think about.
ReplyDelete-Some golden lines - The other day I saw you poke the tip of a little girl’s nose and say “boop”. - this one in particular. I laughed mighty hard.
-All you think about is vengeance! And honor! And money… stealing, you can’t keep giving lollipops out to those who answer your trivia questions about The Ed Sullivan Show. - Another golden line. You are a very funny person. Your humor lies in the dead pan deliver in an extreme situation.