Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wilder Shaw 9/8/10 "Performance Review"
Hey, John. You’re probably wondering why it was that I called you in here today. I actually just wanted to give you some formal constructive criticism about your job performance. No, no, it’s nothing to serious. Just some heavily needed feedback. Now John I feel like when you took this job, perhaps you didn’t quite understand what it entailed. You seem to be… misunderstanding. Ugh, gosh, this is hard, where do I begin? John, you’re just being too… nice. All the time. You’re on this crew to be… well, to be a pirate, John. All that raping, and pillaging. You’ve got to do it, John, it comes with the position. I mean, have you ever even seen a pirate? They don’t act like you. The other day I saw you poke the tip of a little girl’s nose and say “boop”. You simple CANNOT do that. And the way you speak? It’s too eloquent. You have to act dumb, you can’t reference Philip Slater and Jean-Paul Sartre in your daily speech. You’re supposed to be a rugged man of the sea! All you think about is vengeance! And honor! And money… stealing, you can’t keep giving lollipops out to those who answer your trivia questions about The Ed Sullivan Show. And I want you to start carrying a bird on your shoulder, and get rid of that teddy bear you have tied there instead. And, while we’re on the subject, those SpongeBob footie pajamas are not going to do either. Now I’m sorry if I seem like I’m ranting John, but I really hope to see a change in you somehow. Otherwise, I’m afraid I’m going to have to fire you. Or feed you to the Kraken. Thanks a lot John. See you tomorrow.