Amanda: hey Em’s I think I am a size queen.
Emily: ya’ think? I hope that’s not your revelation for the day…
Amanda: Shut it. I’m serious here em. I think that I would rather fuck a broke college butter-face than some successful exce with a nice car and a needle dick.
Emily: Yeah, I hear ya. Women who say size doesn’t matter haven’t had baby arm between their legs.
Amanda: (laughs) That’s sad and true.
Do you know what I’m doing right now?
Emily: no. Looking at porn?
Amanda: close, I was checking out the personals on Match.com They’re missing a statistic…
Emily: Cock size, but you need numbers for length and girth honey.
Amanda: so true! But girth before length.
Emily: Well find anything?
Amanda: No, its like playing penis roulette blind folded. I’m moving on to Craigslist casual encounters where at least there is some honesty. Every picture maybe of some dudes junk but at least I know what I would be getting. Its kind of like shopping for cock on your couch.
Emily: Yeah but just like shopping form your couch, everything looks better on QVC than it does when it finally show up at your door. And that’s assuming that you are even looking at that person’s junk.
Amanda: Why has it become so hard to find a decent guy let alone a normal fuck buddy who is cool, has a big cock and knows how to use it? My expectations are so low at this point it’s…
Emily: I know, I know… And fucking you co-worker is never a good idea. And the bars…
Amanda: are full of assholes with plastic smiles, shitty cologne, and bad breath. I don’t think I am so opposed to a one-night stand, but you can only have so many bad experiences before you just give up and...
Emily: What’s that they say about the definition of crazy? Craziness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result or something…
Amanda: no, craziness is having sex with well-hung guy and then going back and screwing some dude with a mini me dick.
Emily: Do I make bad decisions in a quest for some good dick or do I make bad decisions because I failed to find good dick and got wasted at the bars?
Amanda: Both, naturally. God I wish I were bi it would make life so much easier. If I didn’t find a guy I could always hit on some lipstick lesbian and know exactly what I was getting myself into.
Emily: It’s sad we think like this, that we are totally willing to forego emotional satisfaction and will settle for just some good sex.
Amanda: Yeah this is depressing me. I totally understand why women have affairs now. You find some smart healthy stable man with a small dick and just marry him because he satisfies you 75% of your criteria. But every now and then you just need the other 25% fulfilled. I don’t see this as amoral but as sexual Darwinism.
Break Light shift Old English and Friend at a bar
Jon: Remember how I was telling you chicks bang dudes with accents?
Cole: Yeah, I remember. I also remember that you couldn’t get your English accent straight from your Irish or Australian accents.
Jon: Yeah, well, but if the girl is wasted on jello shots it’s not like she’ll notice either. Case in point I banged this tall hot chick the other night I met at Delirium.
Cole: Fuck me really? That shit worked?
Jon: Yes dude. I haven’t been laid in weeks and I walk up to the bar. And say some shit like “I’d fancy a shot of Jameson please.” And right then this hot Amazon chick with this giant round ass looks over. And I knew right then she was going to fuck me. Like it was in her horoscope or some shit that my penis would be in her that night. You can’t fuck with fate.
Cole: Slow down buddy. I am not a believer in your theory just yet. I mean any normal girl can make a bad decision when she’s drunk. Just think about you’ve made a career off women like that. Just because one time you used a shitty fake accent doesn’t mean shit.
Jon: Haven’t you seen how American women’s legs always magically spread open to foreigners? Seriously, and it’s fucked up because it’s not like that in the rest of the world. Have you been to Italy, France, or Spain? None of the natives want to have anything to do with a foreign dude.
Cole: Well not only do we have a trade deficit but there is a global imbalance of vagina too… This economy really is shitty. Hey bartender, another round and “we’d fancy a couple shots of Jamesone.”
[they both laugh]
Well how was the sex?