Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wilder Shaw 9/15/10 "The Grill"
Hello? Doctor? Yes, it's me, Mr. Charles. Yeah. No. It's not about my rectum this time. No…. its' not about my nasal cavity either. No… no - god doctor, just – sshh. No - it's… I'm having guests over later for a BBQ, and my wife just told me that those…. those… damn raccoons outside have been licking the gristle off the grill at night. I told her to bring in the grill every time after we use it, but she left it out, and now I'm pretty sure it’s all sorts of infected. What do you mean? What do I meant? I mean with rabies. They say all the animals outside have it now. Yes. No. I mean- I know what rabies is. If you get it they have to stick a needle into your stomach the size of a pole. And I don't want my guests getting it! What? No doctor. Sorry, you're wrong. It’s in their mouths, and if it’s in their mouths then it’s on my grill and if it’s on my grill then it’s on my burgers and if it’s on my burgers then it’s in my guests! I'm a lawyer, doctor, I know the repercussions that will have! Lawsuits and paper work for years! And the kids! How will I put them through Yale - yes I know how young they are - can't be ready too soon. So Doctor, what I’m asking you to do is to come to my home and sterilize my grill. No, the fire WON'T do the trick, I need you to come over here and certify that it has been cleaned. This is a big dinner. An IMPORTANT dinner. If anything goes wrong, I'm going to lose a lot of money and a lot of very important friends. Ok, you're really not going to come over? Alright. I guess I'll have to solve this myself…. rubbing alcohol is a sterilizer right? I think I have one of those old diabetic syringes around. So I'll just going to load the burgers up and it should keep the meat safe right? What - no - you're no help. I've figured it out. I'll just take care of it by myself. Good day.